As a therapist I have noticed that many of my client's want to be loved and cared for. However I find that their fear is upsetting a loved one and losing them in their lives. However as they are trying to please others or keep them around they are losing a part of their own essence. When we dig deeper we learn that this is rooted in believing that they were not good enough to be loved as they were because that was withheld from them by their caretaker in their childhood.
Trying to balance between what our genuine nature is and what others want from us is called Cognitive Dissonance and our brain does not know which way to turn. Since our brain is confused our brain starts an internal battle and it intensifies our anxiety. By the time my client's make it to session they are overwhelmed and defeated because they feel that they cannot get life right and they are failing because they are failing to please others.
The truth is no one can please another person completely so that being the goal is setting yourself up for failure. The goal should be finding your standard and trying to identify the life you want to be and set the expectation for how someone should treat you. The unfortunate truth is that some people may leave your life and that is difficult but those that cared will remain and try to adjust. The wonderful part is that as you make this change the adjustment period is difficult but it is fulfilling to know what you want and that it is ok to asked to be treated with kindness and care.
How do we do this though? How do we not just allow anyone into our lives as we wouldn't let just anyone in our homes. Well in our home we usually have various obsticles like fence or now a days most people have doorbell cameras. So visitors are vetted before they enter but once they are in if we grant access some people also have the expecatation that shoes are not to be worn. The same goes for our lives. We set a list of expectations about what qualities and boundaries we want to set before someone can gain access. My boundaries are no ghosting, no judgment, reciprocity in the energy that is being exchange, honesty, and keeping your word. If those things are not brought to the relationship then they do not have access to me.
Yes this can appear to others that I am setting the standard to high or I feel like I am better than others but the truth is I am ensuring that I care for myself first. If I am drained and depleted I cannot bring the best version of myself to those that deseve it. Those that critize me for it either don't understand health relationships or honestly our worlds were not ment to intertwine. That's ok, because as vibrational beings our "songs" do not always blend together. People also come and go from our lives because their journey is taking them in another direction. Here is the beauty in things going through seasons, its that seasons and not a reflection of who you are as a person. People don't leave because you are not "good enough" they leave for their own reasons. Sometimes we can understand those reasons and sometimes we can't but that is why we do our own work for self fulfillment so that we can be consistent to ourselves.
If are feeling this way and are defeated and need help. Reach out to a mental health practicioner and seek the tools to have a Better Tomorrow. Allow a therapist or counselor to help you create your boundaries and decide your own vetting process to let others in.
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